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29 September 2011

Too much these days

Why am I blogging so much these days? I guess besides talking to the stars this is my only avenue of saying my thought out loud lol!

I totally hate the me now... Giving up so easily. I did not use to be like that. I swear. Why? I do not know why. I cannot tell you the reason why. People do change don't they? Did I change? I have no idea. For the better or for the worse? I have no idea. What caused me to change? I have no idea. I do not like the situation I am in now... Too many uncertainties. People around me are changing bit by bit everyday. I used to be the constant... Am i still? There is a limit to how much I can take all these... Although I have to admit I have a high level of tolerance. I am just afraid that one day the barrier may just break free and I will let myself lose control. I will seriously hate that. I do.

I want to find the old me back. In which I am a strong girl, I hardly break down and I can keep to myself. People who cry are not weak... It is just that they have been too strong for a very long time. What can be more astounding than a strong person in tears... I have to go find myself. My confidence my faith and my trust.

tsubasa^^ who am I? I am myself.

~ { 11:40 PM }
remembering the days when u were by my side


28 September 2011

off with the sins...

money is not everything but we cannot live without it either. things are getting so distressing that i find it too expensive to even stay at home lol! of course i know my mommy is just joking with me... but it may be true to a certain extent. i guess. it is time for me to take on my responsibility. i should have done it a long time ago... like maybe three years ago? i just did not know that i was a very very lucky girl then. maybe the definition of luck from then and now are different. but i am still a lucky girl. :)

well the only solution i can think of now is not to stay at home. that is right. i just have to go school every day. starting next week i promise myself. people may think i am stingy but that will just mean that they do not know me. people like making assumptions. let them be. i will not be bothered about it if you just let me be. you do not know my situation... well enough i guess. what is saved now will come a long way in the future.

i shall go to places where food and entertainment are not easily accessible. then i would not be tempted. i will not succumb to Gluttony and Greed of the Seven Deadly Sins. but please let me retain my Pride.

tsubasa^^ i think i can endure another three months :) you just do not know me well enough

~ { 7:02 PM }
remembering the days when u were by my side


27 September 2011

Am I even in the position...

Sometimes I ask myself: am I in the position to do this? Am I in the position to do that? Am I allowed to do this? Am I allowed to do that?

Such rhetorical questions I ask myself... Been doing a mediocre job of advising my friends recently... I do not even know if I am going the correct advice. One wrong move and everything will go down the drain. I seriously hope I am saying the correct words and doing the correct actions.

My very wise and nice boss taught me some valuable lessons.

1. You must know that you cannot control everything in life. Take control of what you can and let go of what you cannot. There is no point thinking about what you cannot control because it will only make you unhappy. So what is the point?

Yes I have to learn how to let go. I am afraid of taking new steps and that is why I cannot let go of the past... I have to thought, don't I? There will come a point in time when we all have to let go of something... I guess my time is here now. I will try my best though...

2. The difference between lucky and unlucky people is their mentality.

I have been thinking about this and I realize I totally agree with it. I am a very lucky girl because I have great friends and a supportive family. I have my basic necessities met now and o am a generally happy girl. I am a lucky girl, am I not? Whenever I feel unlucky, it must be my own negative thoughts doing their work... I must stop it! Cause I realized alot of people depend on me and are influenced my how I feel and act. I have to be strong for them too.

I hope I am taking the advice I always give people... Give me strength for I need it. Give me support for I need it. Give me love for I need it.

tsubasa^^ listening to my favorite song now

~ { 3:44 PM }
remembering the days when u were by my side


24 September 2011

对不起

感觉上好像做了很多错事。不知道为什么,泪如雨下... 我以后,不说话,不主动,不再管... 你们也不要再管我了... 我不值得。就让我一个人静静的去思考... 我也不知道在为什么事而道歉。

我承认很多事的决定权不在于我... 可是为什么想帮一点儿忙而弄巧成拙。难道我就那么没有用?

還是原來那個我 不過流掉幾公升淚所以變瘦
對著鏡子我承諾 遲早我會還這張臉一堆笑容
不算什麼 愛錯就愛錯
早點認錯 早一點解脫

我寂寞寂寞就好 這時候誰都別來安慰擁抱
就讓我一個人去 痛到 受不了 想到 快瘋掉
死不了就還好
我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑
我就不相信我會 笨到 忘不了 賴著 不放掉
人本來就寂寞的 借來的都該還掉
我總會把你戒掉

還是原來那個你 是我自己做夢你有改變什麼
再多的愛也沒用 每個人有每個人的業障因果
會有什麼 什麼都沒有
早點看破 才看得見以後

我寂寞寂寞就好 這時候誰都別來安慰擁抱
就讓我一個人去 痛到 受不了 想到 快瘋掉
死不了就還好
我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑
我就不相信我會 笨到 忘不了 賴著 不放掉
人本來就寂寞的 我總會把你戒掉

tsubasa^^ 满腹心事无人诉,不如归去,不如归去。

~ { 10:43 PM }
remembering the days when u were by my side


23 September 2011

I'm a burden...

Lately it feels as though I have become a burden... For my family... For my friends... Most times people are worried about me... How I feel and what I am doing. I do not deserve it I think. When have I needed people to worry about me? I do not make people worry! I worry about other people instead. Now more than ever. I cannot help, I feel helpless. If I can help, I do not know if it is in the correct manner. So what now? Do nothing? Heck care? I know I cannot do that... Almost like never. Guess I am stupid. My wise friends always tell me: you are too selfless. Don't be stupid. Yeah I am I guess. Shall I become smarter then? Or shall I act blur and live my life. I guess it is easier this way. A wise friend once told me: you cannot control everything in life. Just take control of what you can and let go of the others. Yeah I will try my best to do that. No guarantees though.

Do not feel like talking anymore. To anyone. I want to bottle up my feelings and throw the bottle into the deep oceanic trench. Pray that it does not surface anymore. No feelings means I can experience no hurt. But life will be too meaningless and lonely that way... So maybe I should talk to the stars. They would not answer me and I do not have to answer to them either. A problem shall become a star in the sky. Twinkling up there instead of accumulating in the bottle. No bottlenecks and no cracks and no explosions. Only when meteor showers occur would my problems fall down onto earth again. Then i shall work them out. If it is the correct time. Yes I shall do that. Keep my mouth shut, zipped, sewn tight. You would not hear from me anymore... I shall hide behind my smile and act blur.

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears. Let it fill my soul and drown my fears.

tsubasa^^ 我需要我的星星,最好是流星雨。

~ { 10:57 PM }
remembering the days when u were by my side


22 September 2011

bye common sense

An Obituary printed in the London Times:

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,
who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he
was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
... ... tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable
lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not
children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his
condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing
the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their
unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but
could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to
have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their
victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a
little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust,
by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his
son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and
do nothing.

tsubasa^^ as a friend recently said: nothing may be better than something

~ { 8:50 PM }
remembering the days when u were by my side


20 September 2011

live

The canary who forgot songs.
Should I cast him away
within the mountain behind us?
No, no. For that is merciless.

The canary who forgot songs.
Should I cast him away
to the thicket out back?
No, no. For that is merciless.

The canary who forgot songs.
Perhaps we should put him in
an ivory boat with one silver oar.
No, no. For that is also merciless.

And floating under the moonlight,
then he will remember his forgotten songs.

tsubasa^^ i just want to live normally in this world that is no longer normal

~ { 3:15 PM }
remembering the days when u were by my side


06 September 2011

i hate... that i'm scared...

life is scary. school is scary. family is scary. stop making me scared.

living in fear everyday from receiving a phone call that i absolutely do not want to receive. if the call ever comes, what am i going to do? breakdown and cry? that will be a cleansing experience at least. but what happens if i do not cry at all? what is worse is that what if i do not even feel anything? that i might as well be dead. i cannot do this. i can? confused right now. i will be strong though. try to be. i am strong actually. stronger than i have ever known. look at me smiling everyday. i am happy... am i? i guess so. if i do not smile, i will cry. that is so not me. i am a cheerful girl! most of the time.

studying is a huge stress right now. although i have studied more than i ever did before, it feels like i am standing on the spot... not even jogging or running. i am not moving forward. i am stupid i admit. i must! but i try harder. so i will not give up. at least there is something i can do on this issue. i will do my best! jiayou!

family problems piling up... it feels like a burden. when has my family become a burden to me? i do not know. but it is my obligation, my responsibility to take care of my family. i treasure it. i shall go out and work soon. in order to support my parents. hang in there mommy daddy. i just need one more year of studying. then i can do my share too...

time to stop emo-ing! feels so much better now that i have penned it all down. i need to study. i need to diet! getting fatter dieeeee. i shall start exercising again. i shall be healthier and cut down on my chocolates. i am my peers support :) i will not breakdown. ever.

tsubasa^^ just once i would like to smile without any burdens

~ { 6:03 PM }
remembering the days when u were by my side